Reconnecting with Myself on My First Vacation Alone
How I ended up on vacation alone – You see I have literally buried myself in my business over the past year and a half, usually working 7 days a week, up to 15 hours a day. I suppose you could call me a workaholic, maybe even think that I was just incredibly motivated and driven to succeed. But the truth is, it was the best way I knew to keep my sanity and hold myself together after the tragic loss of my 24-year old son. I knew that if I let myself get lost in the grief I was feeling, I would lose my business. It was too young and too small to operate without me. So it was sink or swim, and I love swimming.
So for 17 months I worked and worked and then worked some more. It’s actually pretty amazing what can happen when you put that kind of time and effort into something. Business grew considerably and new opportunities were around every corner. There were certainly times that it took a great deal of courage to move forward… like teaching a class 2 weeks after his accident and doing a public speaking presentation 3 weeks after. You knew what everyone was thinking and while they all meant well and their kind words and compassion were so appreciated, it was just plain hard. But I did it, and I did it with all the strength, confidence and badassery I could conger up.
Before long my client list doubled, income tripled and I brought in a new partner to help alleviate the increasing workload and pressures so the business would continue to grow. We opened a wonderful new office and training facility and watched our business continue to expand while we continued to earn a reputation as the best social media company in our local market.
So what’s the problem? I got tired, maybe bordering burnout. I wasn’t responding well to new ideas, constructive criticism and new challenges (and with a new partner and new office, there were plenty of them!) I wasn’t able to enjoy the company I had worked so hard to create. I was crabby, difficult to deal with and feeling unfulfilled. So one day, in the midst of another fit of frustration over something that was likely not worth killing my smile over, I decided that I was getting out of Dodge. I have a little brother in San Diego and I sent him a message saying I needed a break. If I could do that and see him at the same time, I might actually allow myself to go through with it.
What was unique about this trip was that I was determined to go alone. I needed a break in a big way from everything and everyone. You see I have this little problem sharing my emotions and I had this feeling that I really needed the space and freedom to just let it out, without worrying about anyone else worrying about me, trying to console me, telling me they were sorry about what had happened and trying to make me feel better. It was time for me to just BREATHE. I wasn’t going to stay with my Brother, as a matter of fact, he was just a bonus on this trip (a great one I might add!) I was going to allow myself to just be me. I had no expectations… maybe I would work, maybe I wouldn’t. Maybe I would write, maybe I would cry (I was pretty sure I would do a lot of that) maybe I’d never leave my room. I was honestly a bit scared about how I might react to being alone, I hadn’t been very good at it at home after the accident, but I was going!
Emotions were running wild when I got on the plane, even more so when I stepped foot into my room. Now I’ll tell you, I booked a really nice room at what I truly believe is the best hotel in San Diego, with a balcony on the 28th floor overlooking the bay, Coronado Island, the Naval fleet of Aircraft Carriers (so cool!) and the Pacific Ocean. So those tears that were starting to whelm when I first got in the room, turned into a great big, uncontrollable smile as I looked out at that jaw dropping view. Almost instantly, I just knew this was the best thing I have ever done for myself.
I’ve never taken a trip alone, never even considered such a thing. Even on the rare occasion I traveled for business, I had someone come along. I don’t eat at restaurants alone, I hardly even go in a coffee shop alone unless I’m just grabbing a cup to go. Once I got mad at my former partner and went and saw a sappy love story alone… but that’s about it. I am the oldest of 6 children and I just never experienced much of anything alone, except maybe a shower.
So there I am… standing on this balcony, looking out over the water, thinking to myself “what do I do now?” Since scoping out the territory seemed like a good first move, I changed my clothes and headed out for a little walk. I was pleasantly surprised that I was in the heart of EVERYTHING. I could go on and on about how much there was to do, but I’d probably end up sounding like the spokesperson for either Marriott or the City of San Diego. What I will say is that every moment was an adventure. I walked miles and miles each day. Stopped wherever I wanted, was quiet when I wanted to be, talked to people I met when I felt like it and ate where and when or if I wanted to. As each hour passed, I was more and more comfortable with being alone. Heck, I was actually liking it. By the second day, I was LOVING it. And to my surprise, I started to like myself again. I felt more comfortable in my skin, prettier, happier, more confident and more in control of my entire being. I made new friends, I sat for hours just being part of and appreciating nature. Sometimes I just sat and waited for something cool to happen (and it usually did.) I took in all the history and art I could. I stopped and read signs and monuments, I went on a tour of the Bay… but there was one moment that I know I’ll remember forever.
I went to Coronado Island to walk the beach. (Took my first Uber ride to get there! I know, I am just so crazy adventurous!) Now don’t get me wrong, I love the sand. But I am just naturally drawn to rocks, always have been. On the length of Coronado Beach there is just one little section that has rocks, so of course that’s where I ended up. If you’ve never been there, this seems hard to believe, but in that area, the beach is literally sparking gold. I’m not sure what it is, but if you didn’t know better, you’d start panning to accumulate your fortune. It’s absolutely incredible. I climbed up to the top of the rocks to sit and watch the waves crash and just take in that incredibly powerful and mesmerizing sound and smell of the ocean. And while sitting there, for I have no idea how long, I realized that, for the first time in years, there wasn’t a thought in my mind. It was completely clear. I wasn’t sad about my loss, I wasn’t frustrated, I wasn’t feeling overwhelmed with all the projects and tasks on my to do list, I wasn’t worrying about my family, I just was.
I’m writing this because that moment and that trip was a life changing experience and one I hope everyone will take the time to create for themselves. We live such busy lives and have so many pressures hitting us from every direction each and every day. At home I try to achieve balance. I walk, I meditate and I try to do creative things. But it’s just not enough. I feel like I’ve learned this incredible lesson about being a human being. Some of us just don’t allow ourselves to disengage from life, or set aside time to be alone in a way that centers us and clears our conscience. Go Go Go… get a Starbucks and go some more. Sound familiar? Or how about this one, “I just don’t have time.” I say it all the time. You’d think I was the busiest CEO on the planet, I sometimes think Google’s CEO couldn’t possibly work harder or more hours than I do. What a fool I’ve been. The lifestyle I created kept me in a pattern and I’m the only one to blame. Yes I’m busy, but what I am more than that is overwhelmed. And why am I overwhelmed? Because I wasn’t scheduling QUALITY time to just STOP.
I made myself a couple promises on that trip, things that will change my life forever, in a very positive way. Going forward, I will always have at least one vacation booked before one is over. That way there is always something to look forward to and you’re always preparing yourself for adventure instead of just work. Between vacations I literally schedule out of the ordinary events into my calendar. I MAKE the time to enjoy the area around me and “I’m too busy” isn’t an excuse. And most importantly, I create ME time. It’s critical to my well being, my relationships and the success of my company. It may not always be sitting on a beach glittering with gold, but a quiet place in the middle of the woods can certainly accomplish the same thing when you learn how important it is to disengage with the world and reconnect with yourself.